god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
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It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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