Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
