Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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