My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My ATM looks so different sober.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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