Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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