Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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