I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
