Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
