I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
