now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
