I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just used a chaser for red wine.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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