if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
