I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
