I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
