I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
