mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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