i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
