Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
