Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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