Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
