he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
