no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
