You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
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