But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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