My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
