he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
