I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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