Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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