oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
