I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
