She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
