I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
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you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
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I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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