How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
