Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
