Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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