Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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