do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
