dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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