2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
be right there i have to get my cape
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
