dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
