i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think I won the penis lottery.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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