Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
