mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You're completely useless in the revolution.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
