Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
