Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
