I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
