I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
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I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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