Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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