They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
