i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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