Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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