ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
