I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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