why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
