I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
