Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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