PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
