I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
