Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
