how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
