im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
