the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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