I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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