Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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